process, Process

a painting for our bedroom

If you follow my work and musings anywhere else, you’ll already know this but I’ve been burnt the heck out. Lately I’ve felt making anything meaningful is SUCH a task. Part of that is not having allowed myself true creative play for a long while - I’ve romanticised what it is to have that time, and therefor feel like the grounds for creativity need to feel a specific way in order to create something worthwhile. That pressure made me subconsciously feel it was never the right time to make anything - even when I’ve found myself with time.

I decided it was time to actively combat that, or at least see if that theory of there being a perfect time to create was true or not. Instead of waiting for fertile grounds for painting, I decided I would foster the right environment in preparation for the feeling of wanting to paint. I was in the city and I decided to buy a large canvas (side note: I didn’t know good canvases were so expensive - I don’t think I’ve ever worked on canvas in my personal work before). I decided to take out my Holbein Acryla Gouache (old tubes and the new tubes I recently bought on our trip to Japan), throw out a drop sheet and prepare my wet palette.

When I felt ready, my studio would be ready... Could I will myself into being ready now? I sat down in my sketchbook and sketched out some thumbnails. I took two of the thumbnails and did a quick colour study and honestly didn’t love them. I resisted the urge to do more colour studies, and to rework and blow up the thumbnails to scaled sketches - this obsessive process has sent me into burnout before and I also know it causes my work to lose looseneds - something I’ve been trying to retain in all parts of my process. Instead I took the canvas, decided to trust a process I’m unfamiliar with and scale up directly on the canvas. I didn’t transfer the thumbnail perfectly, but I still liked it. Then I decided to trust myself to go straight in with the gouache without hesitation.

I wavered between loving not fully knowing what I was doing and feigning confidence to feeling like this was all a big mistake constantly throughout this process. When I finished there were some parts I appreciated, but many that I wished I could have done better. I decided not to go back in and rework for the sake of my future sane self - my main priority with this piece was proving that art-making can be quick, carefree and fun again - and stopping where I did achieved that. The painting sat in my studio for about a week and half before I brought it home - enough time for me to pick parts about it that I didn’t like. By the time I was ready to hang, I didn’t love the piece even though I liked the process.

But then I hung it up in my bedroom. And like magic I suddenly liked it, at least in my space. It looked a little amateur because it is - I’m not used to working on canvas, entirely with gouache, at this scale and void of something with a cute face on it. I’m actively deciding that’s okay!

I still feel kind of down in the dumps but I’m proud of this piece and the journey it took me on. I’m happy I did it! I wanna do it again!

Speak soon okay?

Sha’an

P.S. This last part is a sidenote: but we’ve been living in our apartment for 6 months and I still love it. It is truly my happy place. I love our garden and feel so lucky to be able to visit it whenever I like. We made the most wonderful discovery a week or so ago - there are three apple or crabapple trees outside of our bedroom window - maybe getting this place was meant to be! I mean it feels right but is this a sign? Hahah, eagerly awaiting them to ripen up so I can taste our very own garden-grown apple! Fingers crossed the birds and possums don’t get it first!